Empowerment to Love, Insight to Discover,
Acceptance to Live.

When Your Spouse Becomes a Loser

“A failed relationship gives life to a new you, if you seek to understand the lessons, It will bring opportunity to discover more of the real I Am; “you.” This is an amazing process that brings back the love you were desperately searching for.”
-tiger

Your Spouse seems to be out of line with their ways. They are doing things you thought they once gave up, or thought they'd never do. Can you see it as a huge mistake for them, or an egregious error on your part for participating in such a meaningless marriage?

If so in part or in full, I want you to do something that may feel unnatural. Take time to look up into the sky, connect with your inner self, and repeat the following. “Thank You, thank you for giving me exactly what I have asked for. I am beginning to see how I have created what I observe in front of me; the light has begun to shine on how this has come to be. Thank you, for being so faithful in your ways, I have to ability to create Love and the ability to create fear, and in this case, I have created fear. I now choose to create Love in my marriage, show me what to do.”

In The Moment:

I sit here in my chair, writing to you in the moment. Next to me, is my wife. She's casually flipping through a small magazine. A song begins to flow through the speakers that reminds her of our no budget honeymoon.

She softly says “Baby, we need to get away and do something together, just you and I.” I can hear the anticipation in her voice as I write what you read just moments ago. I leisurely respond back, “ah baby, you really love me that much.” What transpired next, was a result of Love's strength, courage, and overwhelming compassion.

She fervently replied, “baby,” I looked up intently knowing I should pay attention. She continued with a beauty that cannot be described, “I can't even begin to explained how much I'm in love you with.”

There was a brief moment of silence, as if natured intended for a timeless moment. A sudden rush of gratitude began to inundate my entire being. I thought quickly of all those memories where the physical expressions in our life were nothing to call home about. The memories of why she could choose not to love me raced through my mind, almost immediately I arrived at the conclusion that love is something created, not handed over. Love is a gift that gives, to both the giver and the receiver. It cannot see the physical nor does it care about what you have; its only concern, is to be expressed; fully, intently, and unconditionally.

I responded voicelessly with a look, an appearance that said, I receive all and thank you for your willingness to Love. In a way, I wasn't just directing this to my wife, It was also sent to the 'All that I Am.' The constant experience of love with my wife, is not by chance, it was not handed over by the powers that be; it was created by my higher self with a purpose to assist me in the discovery of my true self; it has been from the beginning, that is its sole purpose, it is the inspiration behind all that I experience within the context of my marriage.

I tell you such things not to boost my ego, but simply because I know my marriage is uncommon and there is tremendous value in what I have discovered that plays such a significant role in the relationship I experience with my wife daily. I see marriages around me getting a divorce because of issues so elementary it leaves one to believe the point of marriage in their eyes was about fear and not Love. I simply want to help those I care about re-remember what it means to Love in a relationship, and to create an experience that both satisfies and completes.

Time spent thus far, has yielded an understanding that must make things right. It has graciously given itself to me in hopes I not only continue to use it, but share it as well. Share it I will.

What is a Relationship:

I believe it to be dramatically important that what ever meaning we give this word, it be surrounded with a foundation based in Oneness. It is vital that we choose definitions wisely, and use them to our ultimate advantage. More importantly, make sure it is our own interpretation and not one constructed by a society based in the ego, an environment that produces separation in the self and in relationships.

A relationship, in the eyes of oneness, has a tremendous purpose that can assist in the rapid growth of our internal being. This is why we by nature, yearn for companionship; we crave the company of other souls. It is a perfect design that can both reward and encourage.

Let us understand all the undesirable events that take place within a relationship, are neither bad nor good. The only power these circumstances have, is the power we give them. At their core, they are simply presented as an opportunity to grow and discover more of who you are. This is an expanded view that is hard for many to comprehend; to say, “my husband is an alcoholic and he is neither bad nor good for his choice; in his alcoholism, he is perfect.” If we can reach within ourself and discover the truth behind this statement, we can begin to create a different experience with our marriage or relationship.

I encourage you to empty your mind for only a moment. Take who you are to a place before the ideas of man, and clear the definitions offered by the ego. Pause your mind. Now, ponder on the meaning of this word – Marriage.

Without the input of any other man past or present, you will discover it to be only, a word. If you remove all the input given to you over a lifetime, the word has no official meaning; it is simply a clean slate awaiting your own definition. The error lies in the fact that most let others define the word for their own life. Doesn't the idea of letting someone else define your relationship sound a little bit nutty. We are seemingly forced to conform our infinite experience into a box that may or may not have been right for someone else. Who's to say that one mans definition is the right definition for you. Are we not connected to an infinite source that sees our uniqueness? Why have we folded the opportunity to create our own existence and let someone else attempt to create it for us.

It's vital we rethink the definition we have given this word. Most of our society today sees a relationship as self-serving or self-giving. In the context that I will describe them, both are based on an idea of separation that offer an experience based in fear.

Self Serving & Self Giving:

We live in an illusionary world that teaches us duality; meaning life has taught us to believe in either one, or the other, and you can't have both. This world of ego has convinced us of the existence of, Good and Bad; saying there is 1 and 2, but one and two can never be the same. This is the premise that explains why we struggle so much with growth, happiness, and inward success because we believe that 'I' am separate from my mate.

These two perceptions of relationship definitions, are identical at their core; leading to the same understanding of complete oneness. Which ever path we choose, be it Self Serving or Self Giving, we will eventually come to the understanding 1 is 2, and the 'I' is the Mate, whether you reach this conclusion in this lifetime or the next, is up to you, but it will happen. :)

My goal is simply to help you learn through the limiting belief of separateness, and begin to finally start making the progress you have been internally searching for; ultimately changing your physical reality to come into alignment with your true desires.

Self-Serving:

Those who see relationships or marriage as self serving, often neglect the relationship partner and continue in a habit of always being concerned about their own needs. In a way, we take, take ,take, without making an honest effort to give. We at times may say we give, but we honestly know that in the process of trying to give, we simply do not connect with our partner and still expect something in return.

We become frustrated because we believe our relationship is not making progress because you are not getting what you want out of it. Your partner is not becoming who you want them to become. With this self-serving approach, you have attempted to take what is rightfully theirs and mold it how you see fit. What you probably have found, is that no matter how hard you try, attempting to change someone to be who you want them to be, is like staring at a dog and saying “come on, Meow for me. Just this once, meow dammit! Stupid dog, don't you know that I know what's best for you; if you meow you'll finally become the animal you were meant to be!” Ummmm, am I the only one who sees this approach as a little bit crazy?

You may find this pattern in other areas of your life, where your focus is on taking what you can from others without giving equal or grater value. I know for me, this way of think was dominant for a long time. I believed the way to be happy was to take what others had to offer, accepting that I was not whole, and my wholeness was in what someone else had. Can you see the separation in this way of thinking; to believe that what I need is outside of me, rather than inside of me.

If this is your habit, or current way of thinking, then let me tell you, it is completely perfect. It's perfection lies in the truth that it will ultimately lead you to a greater understanding of your self.

Self Serving thoughts will eventually show us that by taking from others or trying to change others is not successful unless we give equal or greater value in return. In giving value, its important that we do it in such a way we actually connect with the other person; this way they are actually receiving our gift. Life will show us this to be true simply by watching what you experience. The key is to be Aware. If we choose to blindly go through life without a willingness to grow, then its hard to see the lessons trying to advance our experience.

When we are Aware, or have Awareness, we can look at the effect of our actions seeing what it creates and adjust accordingly. The major error is repeating the same behavior and believing you will get a different result. We see this to be true in the man with 10 wedding bands; believing that this time its going to be different, without actually making a conscious effort to correct the errors of the past in his own mind, here the error actually occurred. Usually what you will find is this man constantly blaming the other party for the ended relationship, never taking full, and I mean full, responsibility for what transpired.

If we truly wish to create a more meaningful and purposeful relationship, we must take 100% responsibility of the outcome – and I mean 100%.

Self Giving:

This is the polarity of Self Serving, the opposite. The Self Giving, gives up who they are in order to make other people happy, or to obtain other peoples approval and acceptance. In the process of doing so, they completely or in part deny their inner self. We see this in the person who volunteers 8 days out of the week :) and still maintains a low level of joy and completeness. There is a belief that says, “my worth is in giving to others and if I were to receive, I would not be giving, there for it is better to just give.” In the process their inner wo/man becomes neglected and their soul seemingly dries up. This is a tough spot to be in because we have been conditioned to believe through some traditions that happiness is solely in giving, and to receive would be selfish.

This understanding illustrates my wife from when we first came together. She was seeking approval from everyone but herself, it was a mission of hers that everyone be happy and like her while at the same time giving all that she had to her children; with nothing left over for the beautiful soul that rest in her heart.

You see, it isn't so much about what you do. Its about how you see your self and how you see the world. However this is defined through you, will determine the actions you take.

Many people spend enormous amounts of time “doing,” and in the process never really feel any more connected than when they're not “doing.” The Self Giver tries desperately to fix the world, but spends little time fixing themselves; meaning, to take care of the dreams in their heart, to nurture the call within their soul, and to receive all the goodness that is wanting to come their way. Essentially, realizing more of who they truly are.

In a relationship, the Self Giver releases their strength and attempts to give it to their partner; in hopes it will change their mate, or... in hopes the mate will use the strength to change you, the one who gave it up in the first place. I remember my wife doing this with me when we were dating, and into our marriage. She would attempt to give up her strength with hopes I would use it to change myself. What transpired was my wife would become emotionally and spiritually drained causing intense frustration and apathy.

For a lot of us, this takes place in cycles; where you give, give, give, and become drained, refuel with some hype, motivation, or counseling, and then 6 months to a year later your back at the give, give, give, only to repeat the process. We can't just change the action, we must begin to change the definition and realign ourselves with more empowering beliefs.

Self Giving, like Self Serving is perfect where it is. It is simply your lesson to return to a place of complete Love and Acceptance. As we consciously have Awareness in our Self Giving, we can begin to see the effect of this way of thinking. Consciousness begins to show us that we are drained and not aligned with our inner man. The way we can tell, is by our emotions.

The Signal of Separation:

Our emotions are the signals of love and separation. When we experience an emotion that is unpleasant, be it anger, resentment, or depression, it's your spirit's way of telling you separation is your dominant thought. At anytime we move away from who we truly are, which is oneness, our perfectly ordered universe is designed to put us back on track.

We know how we truly want to feel, happy, healthy, and alive, and anytime we move away from those in thought, not action, we are thrown a clue by how we feel. An example of this type of signal is the following. You get in a discussion with your spouse or partner which really generates some steam, you find yourself in a place of yelling at one another and a solution is nowhere to be found. After either one of you have left, you now have the opportunity to practice awareness and recognize the signals.

The last question is where people get themselves in trouble. You see, your spirit sent a signal in the form of emotion that said, “hey Spanky! You're out of alignment with your higher self, stop focusing on separation.” This signal came in the form of anger.

Most people respond to this last question with an enthusiastic roll of the dice to begin the blame game, they immediately begin blaming their partner as if they get to collect $200 for passing go. The reason why people do this, goes into the subject of the ego, which I'm not going to get into here. If you want to learn more about why, click here to read The “BS” of the Ego.

We need to bring ourselves to a place of complete responsibility. There is a working order of creation beyond our complete comprehension, and it says in part, “you are the creator of your experience. What you think about, you will bring about. As a Man Thinketh, So is He.” There is a tremendous power you have seeded within you, this power is one of creation. The same power or force that created life, rest within you! It waits patiently for you to access it, as if you knew it to be your own. It lies dormant for the day you open your eyes and see that you, are all that you see and more; that you, are one with all that you desire.

This place of oneness is the foundation of the responsibility to create change, 100% responsibility. No one else is responsible for your emotional well being, because you have the ability to create what it is you desire, your ultimate freedom is already inside you.

The Error:

We need to see the Self Serving and Self Giving as one. To obtain the oneness you desire, find the value in both and see the beauty that lies in the error. Recognizing the innocence in our fellow man will empower you to recognize the innocence within your self. If you reflect on our own life, you can find certain instances where you felt completely justified in your learning or lesson, and other people judged you beyond what you felt was necessary.

When I look at the errors made in my past ( I call them errors and not mistakes because a mistake implies wrong doing, void of value), I see they have all led me to a better understanding of who I was and what I truly desired for my life.

Remember, every error, has a purpose designed to bring us home. This is our own unique path and it is perfect in its creation. Without these errors, we could not define the desires of our hearts. Granted, many people move slowly as they learn the lessons, but that doesn't make them any less perfect than the one who changes over night; it is simply their path, as we have our path and we make our own errors.

An error, is something done in a manner not consistent with Love, stemming from separation. These errors do not take place in the physical world, that is an illusion, the error takes place in the mind. When we think thoughts whether in Love (oneness) or Fear (separation), it manifest itself through our actions.

In this description, we can see when someone acts out in fear, what they are really doing is crying out for more Love; they are on a quest for more acceptance of themselves and to receive more acceptance from others.

Being Love; In Your Relationship:

This is a new definition that I believe can bring tremendous value to your creation process. The idea of “Being Love” simply means you recognize the call for love and act accordingly. When you, act in a manner that is recognized as separation, you acknowledge it as your own cry for love and take steps to remove the fear.

Like wise with your spouse, see their undesirable behavior as only a call for love. This is a process that takes time, it is not an overnight approach to being happy. Life is a process, and to believe you can skip the process, whatever it may be, and go straight to the desire, means you've watched too many late night infomercials on how you can have what you want without any real effort; like good health by cooking all your food in a microwave :) Or maybe not exactly that, but you get the point.

It is something that must be practiced, and still when you come up short see yourself as only learning in complete innocence. It's not about perfection, because you're already there, it's about constant growth to understand more of the infinite self.

When your spouse begins to scream and yell, do your best to see their perfection. This is only their call for love, it's their lesson to discover the same things you are trying to discover within your own life and we all have our unique way of getting there. See the behavior as an opportunity to find your true self, by seeing the 'true self” of your partner.

Define your relationship with a consistent idea of growth, to help you become more in alignment with your true self. Give your relationship meaning, don't make it about something so insignificant you cant get excited about it consistently. You may be in a place where you and your spouse can come together and find purpose, if not, you are still the one in control of your own life and it is your responsibility to create meaning and purpose.

The Ego Says “NO”

I understand there's a deep rooted response that desires to keep you from this process of healing. I understand it is difficult, I truly do. That seemingly powerful voice that says, “screw him/her – I hate you!” is the same voice that's bring so much pain into your life. This is the voice of separation, an idea you hold onto because you believe you're separate.

There is a tremendous power beyond the ego, it really is there. It's the same power behind the smile of a child, it's the same power you feel in those brief moments of joy, past or present. The journey is to remove the ego's hold on who you truly are, and it all takes place in your own mind.

How is it that I, personally, can experience a relationship that seems to be out of this world? Simply because we do not approach it the same way as the world. Look around you, if your honest you know marriages all around the world are not what they could be. We fool ourselves by seeing other people, and thinking “if my spouse could only be like that then my marriage would flourish.” That's total BS, and I think deep down you know it.

The ego wants you to believe such things because it's survival depends on it. It will constantly tell you to be separate and to see others as separate, rather than us all being of the same garden and in our own uniqueness. Our individual challenges are important, they add tremendous value to consciousness as we grow through them. The lessons learned, are of great significance to moving us forward as a species or collective body. As you slowly but surely release the hold of the ego, your life experience will change dramatically.

I want to go on and on, but let me give you some practical application to help you move forward. By the way, if you are enjoying this article, there is a surprise coming soon that deals with healing relationships more fully. This article I feel, is only beginning to touch on the subject of creating a more meaningful and purposeful relationship.

Practical Application:

Here are just some one liners that I feel have tremendous value if meditated upon. I encourage you to write them down and view them daily, if not 3 times a day, even voice them aloud.

Conclusion:

I know this was a long one. More than twice as long as my normal posts. Let me just say, if you took the time to read this in its entirety, you are even more amazing than we both thought. What a commitment on your part, regardless of where you are in your current relationship, the fact that you take the time to learn how to improve not only yourself but the one you spend your time with, is simply profound and awesome.

When we truly begin to see the lies we've told ourselves, we can begin a great journey. Be excited about this, it's what life is all about; discovering more of who you truly are, so you can love your self and the world more fully.

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